I Hate You, New Roll of Toilet Paper

Listen up buddy; when I go to the bathroom I just want to pee and get out of there as quickly as possible. When I am confronted by you, New Roll of Toilet Paper, it messes up all of my plans. I know what you’re thinking, “What could possibly be wrong with a brand new, shiny roll like me?” Well I’ll tell ya.




First of all, there’s that glue. Try as I might to pull on your first sheet evenly it still rips in half vertically and then I try to pull the half that’s still glued down and that rips in half too. I then realize that I have only freed the first ply. I then have to commence picking at the second ply only to end up tearing the plies underneath.



Now that I’ve shredded a large amount of TP into an almost unrecognizable heap, I still have to get past the glue on the underneath layer, because really, I don’t know what that glue is made of and I’m not sure I want to be exposing my nether regions to it.



Now I have an alarming amount of TP in my hands that I feel guilty about throwing away because it is wasteful and bad for the planet because it’s made out of trees and tossing things willy nilly makes Indians cry. I can’t use it because of the glue that I have now convinced myself is full of carcinogenic chemicals that will give me hooha cancer. Not to mention if I did use the shredded TP it would probably get all linty on me and I would need to jump in the shower to get rid of the linty-ness and now I’m wasting water and I fall into an environment waste shame spiral when all I really wanted to do was pee!



Why do you have to have that impossible glue?!? Why not like a rubber band or something? Rubber is a renewable resource and rubber bands are reusable products. I wouldn’t end up questioning my beliefs while on the pot if you just used a rubber band. Isn’t the satisfaction and sanity of your loyal users important to you?



Thank you for listening, I will look for rubber band wrapped toilet paper to be available in my local grocery emporium soon.



Sincerely,

Rikki