Friday, November 12, 2010

Learn How to Do It Right or Hire a Professional, Jerk - Friday Freak Out

Hey Home-Do-It-Yourself-er,

Do you think that "enter room name here" needs a new coat of paint?

Or perhaps just a nice new layer of wallpaper?

How about some lovely tile accents?

Hey HDIY'er,

Do you have a rough idea of what needs to be done to accomplish your goal?

Is your motto, "Hey, how hard can it be"?

Do you think edging tape and drop cloths are for pussies?

Well here's the real score Jackwad.  I, the person cleaning up your mess in my house, will hunt you down and cut off your thumbs so you can never pick up a tube of caulk or paint brush ever again.

Hey HDIY'er,  Guess what?  Caulk is not an all purpose adhesive.  It's not meant to adhere tile to anything.  It is not meant to seal the edges of wallpaper.  In fact, it's not meant to put wallpaper up at all, much less in a bathroom where it will allow mold growth behind that wallpaper.  I formally revoke your Home Depot privileges.

Here's another hot tip for you Dillweed:  you should never wallpaper over wallpaper.

Guess where paint shouldn't go Brainiac?  On hinges and over screws or nails.  It makes it impossible to pull the nails out, unscrew screws, and hinges?  Forget it.  Paint doesn't go all over everything that will hold still for you.

Guess what painters tape is for Captain Incompetent?  Taping off things your don't want paint to be on.  And you know what else?  Drop cloth keeps paint from getting all over the floor, genius.

Thanks for making my bathroom a war zone, Jerk who owned this house before us.  Thanks for making what should have been a two day project something that took weeks.

I hope your arms rot off at the shoulder.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Wacky Wednesday Wig Out of Ostentatious Overtness

Hee hee.., get it?  WWWOOO!!!!!

So my Mom (Hi Mom) pointed out that I didn't blog last Friday for Friday Freak Out.  You know what I have to say to that?  I was busy!  I didn't feel like it!  You can't tell me what to do!  Pppppbbbbttttt!!!!!!!!

My mother and I have a very mature relationship.

So my planned topic was about Fabric.  But really it's about fabric stores.

I've been shopping this week for some fabrics for baby quilts.  My cousin and his wife are having twins!  Girls!  YAY!  This is momentous as it's been nothing but boys for years.  Don't get me wrong, I adore my nephews and find that the toys I get to buy them are much cooler than the girl toys.  But frilly girly dresses and hair bows and pink!  Finally!

It is so hard to pick out fabric!  There are entirely too many adorable pink baby fabrics to choose from.  I know infinite choices are the American Way but come on!

Not to mention the stores.  They're terrible in so many ways.  There's the true fabric stores, have lots choices.  They're usually well established.  They were opened when that neighborhood was a nice middle class kind of place but now it's not.  So these kinds of stores range from Staff Does a Subtle Double Take When White Girl Walks In to I Need to Keep a Line of Sight on My Car at All Times.  Then there's the mass market fabric-and-crafts stores that only have enough fabric so they can keep it in their description.  They really make their money on all the scrapbookers and people who think they're going to make it big selling bead necklaces on Etsy.

At the established fabric stores I get asked at least once, by every staff member, if I need help.  When I browse for more than ten minutes, they do a lot of "fly-by's" like I'm going to somehow shoplift a bolt of cloth.  And what am I suppose to say to these people when they ask me if I need help?  "Uh yes, can you please decide between the little birdies and the funny monkeys for me?"

At the mass market stores it's the complete opposite.  While I enjoy shopping with no interruption, if I actually make a fabric selection and would like to purchase said fabric it's like I asked them to do my trig homework.  That's if I can find anyone in the first place.  So they roll out the fabric to measure with much eye rolling and obvious sighing.  I'm truly sorry you only make minimum wage and hate your job, but could you please just give me my fabric without the tantrum?

Then there's spoonflower, which I adore because I don't need to deal with people to shop for fabric but Jeebus they're expensive!

It's all pretty much a no-win situation.